The makeshift ashtray one trick pony

poetry, big thoughts, mischief, vanity press

the art of letting go

I love
your hands
they haunt me
around the trips we
I read
all of the books
you gave me, I know everything
about small gardens
we’ll ever
to know
there’s a part of me that knows you weren’t
but were and it confuses the fundamentals
of what we are
like sand
crabs fighting for air
to wake
from a nightmare
of your own design,
it’s just too familiar
too familial,
I know you
and you know me
but that isn’t as
strong as family, apparently,
but I knew
when we talked
earnestly at the nickel slots
and I knew
for sure that I loved you, and only you
I say yes
to your memory


when you miss

I missed you
today cuddled in my porch
couch, watching the sky turn translucent
blue into pink blossoms alight
with the sun’s good night

lay on an air
mattress clutching our knees
with no shame, no fear
at a joke
you cared enough

say sorry
it’s just an argument over cold
brunch leftovers
a step from playing footsie
and constant questions at the baked goods
I’d like to believe
fell in love

stay still in silence
interlocked our bodies into relieved embraces
while you whisper
this is the closest we could

never regret, never doubt
we’d be whole

to the bare

the rain fell
in pelts
made of seal
her skeleton husband
her skeleton self,
it takes two to revive

on a stony shore gray and red
like iguanas and tiny sea crabs,
like roses in bloom,
lingering despite the errors
of the atmosphere

dark —
unknown —
starry filled night-blue skies
my knees close
to my heart

the long kiss

you’d smile just before wiping
my glasses clean,
expected with shiny rows of too much teeth
hidden behind your shy eyes
revealing all the inner veins of the heart
I’d keep them dirty
just so you’d listen to me ramble
pleasantly distracted
by the hovering particles
of dust, grease, and debris
waiting with the anticipation of ice cream
in the summer


love in stages

there’s never
an answer
never a
good time
never a
change of heart
you deny

saying cute words, that words are cute
in sunlight
in autumn
I wish
you held
my hand

those little dots
unknown on a studied map
something a soul
would wake up next to
a deep, deep sleep
down to its buried treasure

the book of matthew

It took me 9 years
and 3 months
to know
you loved me.

I’ve discovered that the heart
is not
like any human
organ, it knows no logic,
only magic —

lilies left on your windowsill —
that afternoon light a dream replicated
in skyscrapers of mirrors
collapsing and colliding
like they say stars do

I read our book
every night before I sleep
and when I wake
feeling for your hand
knowing it’s gone

It took me a moment,
a blur of an image of your passing self,
bringing me into an embrace
I feared,
to know —
to know.

for the green heart

I would say to you

that being apart
is wrong
elementally, out of
sync with basic laws
of physics, if you need that
but, of the realm of the unknown
constant, true, terrible —

that, night, I saw in planes
of mirrors set to slow
the way your fingers
bent with anxiety, and my own
clenched toes, uncomfortable glances
through panes of wood
I’ve wanted to touch you
for months —

that we exist
in that fog, wet with ocean
imagining our own life together —

you are my father

you are my father
whether or not you’re sick

you are my father
whether or not we talk

you are my father
the most on graduation day

your cushion hands
meeting one another
in a clasp tightly —
around my entirety
a smirk of —
hey, she fucking did it

you are my father
living or dead

love #10

I watch the clock
like it has a mind
a second opinion on my worst version
to be distracted by your seeing you
after a month,
watching you
cross a street in a shirt
it’s like I saw you smile
for the first time

knowing true
as you stack avocados in between
that mundane —
are my daydreams

what I lack
in consistency,
I stick —

I feel your heart

love #9

when we ascended
I gripped the sides of the metal cart
curled and bowed to all the other rides
my lip along
the slow curve of your nose
swaying our weight
to each turn,
your hand on my hip, just below
sitting cooling off at the window fan
I laid down
your body a magnet

the chains clink
like a favorite rhythm
you raise your hand up
my back, tracing an invisible
up river destination
we interlocked
puzzle pieces, finally making sense
the peace in being one with one

and here at our descent
we peer at unforgiving circles left by the ocean
don’t we forget
how many afternoons in sun
tangled between light green
sheets, just as the rain comes
your embrace, complete